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More Onion horoscope fics. Enjoy.

Write a short moment in time for each character based on their horoscope, as provided by The Onion.



Aries: Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.

“Miss Childermass, I assure you, it is no laughing matter.”

She looked down at him. The fact the top of his head was just below her nose made it hard to take the man seriously. Still, Theodora made the attempt. “I assure you, I am not laughing.”

He fumed. “If you’re going to be steering these... these contraptions around the city with no regard for life and limb, not to mention the expensive repairs to the factory -”

Cutting him off, Theodora said, “I will fix it, Mr. Scoresby. Better than new. And no one will be injured, will they?”

“How can I know that?”

She snapped her gloved fingers. “Right. Linear temporal template. Causality. My mistake. No one has been hurt yet, however, and it will remain that way. I’ll see to it.”

Scoresby did not look incredibly reassured.


Taurus: You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.

“Do you remember your father?”

The tall, frowning man in the duster and the petite girl in the bright green tank top made an odd pair, sitting in a cafe in the nexus. She had an ice cream cone; he had a coffee.

“I mean,” Annie continued, “I assume you had one, and didn’t just pop out of the ground like a jack in the box.”

“No,” he said, quietly, after a long pause. “I remember him.”

She looked surprised that he’d answered, and tilted her head at her companion, waiting to see if he’d continue.

“He was a knight. Strong. I’m told I look like him.” Bran did, in fact, favor his father in build, though he had his mother’s Roman features. “I knew my uncle too, a little, and his family.”

“What happened?”

For a long time, there was silence. Annie accepted that he wasn’t going to answer. When he did speak, she thought it was going to be the beginning of a new topic.

But he said, “We all went our separate ways.”

Which still wasn’t an answer. But it was something.


Gemini: The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before they are repeatedly plunged into your chest by frightened townspeople.

They were both tied to a stake, back to back.

“This is,” Stella said with irritation, “the very last time I listen to you.”

“Very possibly,” Nicolas said, blackly. He was subtly working at the knots, but it was a fishing village, and sailors were cautious knotters.

“Unfortunately, it gives me no gratification to say I told you so.”

“Look,” he said. “How was I to know his father would take it so poorly? I’m not an anthropologist, for the love of the gods.”

The villagers were bringing firewood. It wasn’t yet clear whether they intended to burn the twins alive, or were simply attempting to ensure they didn’t rise as something worse.

Stella narrowed her eyes at the size of the pile. “I move that we postpone this argument for the time being.”

“Agreed.”


Cancer: You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.

Laurel took a bite of rhubarb pie, mainly so her mouth would be full and she wouldn’t be expected to respond immediately to the question she knew was coming. After more than a decade of living on her own, she could feel it approaching the way farmers felt incoming storms.

“So,” her mother said, pleasantly. “Are any young men paying you special attention these days?”

“Define young,” Laurel said, after swallowing.

“Laurel. Don’t be pert.”

Her father was doing his level best to ignore the whole conversation. He was dong an excellent job, engaged as he was in his after-dinner crossword.

“I’m simply trying to be accurate.”

Her mother sighed a longsuffering sigh. “Laurel, darling. You know we just want you to be happy. Your father and I know how much joy a marriage can bring. Isn’t that right, darling?”

Without looking up, Laurel’s father said, “What’s an eight letter word for useless that ends in ‘d?’”

Laurel took another bite of pie to keep from laughing.


Leo: There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.

Zoyala’s glass proclaimed that she looked approximately like death warmed over. Twice.

She felt worse.

Still, she knew her part. She began by combing out her hair, long, deliberate strokes. Being a diplomat was about presence, and if she didn’t look like someone with answers, she wasn’t going to be able to hold her own. Her clout now didn’t come from being Esmeralda’s pupil, or from having an unofficial position within Silverymoon’s elite. The world was smaller now, and though her heart ached for Alaron, she didn’t speak for them.

And they didn’t claim her.

Leo’s temple felt silent and empty, now empty of the mass of important people and leaders it had recently held. She hoped the progress had been genuine. She hoped they could work together enough to give themselves a fighting chance.

It was all coming to head. Everything was drawing together, and she needed her strength for that long. Then the war for the world would be over, and the portal would be shut, with at least two of the people she cared most about on the other side. It could have been three, once, but...

It didn’t matter. Rest was for later. For now, she would look her best, find the best words, fight the strongest battles. And whatever was left of her, if anything, would sleep when it was all done.


Virgo: Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.

Her ears were ringing. Nadia stared up at the stars for a minute, dazed. She couldn’t figure out why her ears were ringing.

Pain. She hurt. She’d fallen... she’d been pushed. Dimly, the sound of fighting came back to her. Someone was screaming, a few streets over.

Ashvin had gotten her out. Ashvin had told her to run.

Her body obeyed her, slowly, as she commanded it to get up. Nothing was broken; she’d managed to use her training to break her fall. Her legs held.

Nadia ran.


Libra: The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!

Elaine couldn’t decide if it was more like being Sibyl or a werewolf.

The blackouts scared her to death. But worse than that was the feeling that she was slowly being swallowed up in this other person. This person she didn’t particularly like, who wanted revenge on someone who’d gone out of her reach. This person for whom nothing else existed and nothing could exist. Not Elaine, or her book, or Clara or the shop or her apartment.

There was nothing but the man who’d hurt her, again and again, and the desire to hurt him back.

At least werewolves only had to do it once a month.


Scorpio: Your whole life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.

The glitch was getting old.

Sure, once it became clear that no one was going to burst into flames, it was less scary than it might have been. But the constant and inappropriate addition of music to everything made it sort of difficult to cope with the gravity of some of the situations that had come up.

Tara could only imagine what it would be like, the first time “Yakkity Sax” accompanied running away from a horrible monster. Taxon just kept on giving.


Sagittarius: While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.

Molly let her head hit the desk with a soft thunk. “I don’t wanna,” she said, muffled against the wood.

“Well, tough. You may have to get a day job at some point, because let me tell you, wizarding doesn’t pay a lot of bills.” Harry took a couple more items off the shelves for a potion he was getting ready to make. “Now. How many words you got left, grasshopper?”

“A million and five,” she said, without moving. Mouse nudged her knee, encouragingly.

“Huh. Must have multiplied when my back was turned.” Harry glanced over at his apprentice. “Look. Do 30 of those, and then we’ll go get some pizza, okay?”

“Fine.” With a groan, Molly picked herself up again. Standardized tests came from a hell dimension, and nothing would convince her otherwise.


Capricorn: Your mother may angrily claim that she didn't raise a liar for a son, but what else could you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?

It was Christmas.

Becca walked through the streets of Oxford, and thought about how many Christmases she’d spent here. How early in the month there were carolers and evensongs all over the city, colleges holding high table dinners with mince pies and mulled wine enough for an army. How the students went home, and then there were families and suppers and crackers with paper crowns.

It felt like another lifetime.

Last Christmas, she’d been in India, deciding whether she could convince a boy younger than her brother to trust her. She knew what the consequence was, if she decided the answer was no.

When her mother had asked, on the phone, she said they’d had her help build a bridge. It was easier, that way.

She wondered if it was easier for her father too.


Aquarius: After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.

There wasn’t much to be done but make the best of it. To be fair, that had always been true. But Dominic knew first hand just how little his own life was under his control.

He prayed to Selune, as he had every night since childhood. He used to ask for things like growing up to be taller than his father, or having a day off from lessons to play in the snow.

Now he prayed for his country. For the ones he was trying to protect. For Arien.

He knew Selune was there. He knew she listened. But he couldn’t help wondering, if she would reply... would he be able to handle the answer?


Pisces: Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.

Tavrin rolled his shoulders. A night of lying awake on the ground had the lovely dual benefits of being exhausted and being sore the next morning. He wasn’t sorry he’d helped Zeke (if he had helped at all, which he was doubtful of), but he was fairly certain he’d gotten in over his head.

Again.

The last time it hadn’t been a choice, of course. They’d hardly asked the Asiel’velthey to come marching in and overrun the country. But even so. He felt that he’d had his fill of trauma for one lifetime. It was time to step back and let someone else have a turn.

Pity the gods didn’t seem to feel the same way.

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Estelle

January 2012

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