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dolevalanI took about 20 minutes with this, actually. Oh, the angst. I...don't think I'll post this to the general board.
Title: Ashes
Fandom: Original
Disclaimer: Kitathas isn't mine. In any sense of the word.
Rating: PG
Dear Kitathas,
I have lost track of the letters I will never send you. I have written so many, in the past year. No… less than a year. It is so hard to say at what point everything began… was it Riku kidnapping Ambrose? Was it my stupid, misguided attraction to Riku, or Anya’s constant squabbles with him? Was it Arthur, coming out because he was worried about me?
I cannot say. But I can say when I first started writing letters to you that I had no intention of sending. That was last May. It was the last day of April, when you came to comfort me, after Arthur tried to kill himself. Isn’t it funny… I never did find out why. I just never thought to press it. But that night will be forever etched in my memory.
You offered to do a dance for me, do you remember? In an effort to get me to smile. It may have been the single sweetest thing you ever said to me. I treasure that memory… the memory of that first kiss, which you took against your better judgment. I can’t tell you how glad I am… and how sorry. But I store these memories, safe, in my heart… just as the arrow, the dirk, and my collection of silver-tipped ebony feathers are safely locked away.
I do not know how it is with you. I do not expect you to have forgiven me, though your capacity for forgiveness has yet to cease amazing me. What pains me most is that I can’t even rejoice in the fact you are alive. What does it matter if you are alive, when I have caused you a fate worse than death? How can any memories you guard of me remain sweet when they are curdled by the end to which we were all three drawn? I would have let her kill you, rather than see you suffer such pain. And I have to wonder… how much can I have truly loved you, if I’d rather you dead than with soured memories of me. I hate myself for feeling it.
If I could go back now, and change it so we never met… so I never loved you… I do not know if I am selfless enough to wish such a thing. I still miss silly little things about you: how you’d sit up with me until I fell asleep, murmuring in Elvish. The way you looked at me, as if I were a miracle of some sort. The way your fingers felt on my shoulder.
Nothing went right with us, Kitathas, and I wish I knew why. Just as always, I can’t fully understand what you think, what you feel. I won’t pretend I do. But I wish I had you back, lying beside me in bed for just one night, when none of this had happened. I could twirl my fingers in your hair and lean against your chest. I’d even resist the temptation to whisper that I loved you, because I knew it hurt you, when I said so. I didn’t need to say it anyway. You knew.
I don’t know that I’ll ever stop loving you, Kitathas, or ever stop regretting what happened. I do not know if and when I will ever see you again, or how we will meet each other if we do. But I hope, somewhere in your long memory, you will think of me not as the girl responsible for killing your love, but as a girl who loved you as much as her silly little heart could.
It is a pity, in some ways, that you will never see this letter. It is full of so much I don’t know if I would ever have the courage to say. But even as I burn it… the ashes remain. The root of the thing is not lost. I learned that from you, and it is one of the many, many things I will not forget.
Ever yours,
Amy
Title: Ashes
Fandom: Original
Disclaimer: Kitathas isn't mine. In any sense of the word.
Rating: PG
Dear Kitathas,
I have lost track of the letters I will never send you. I have written so many, in the past year. No… less than a year. It is so hard to say at what point everything began… was it Riku kidnapping Ambrose? Was it my stupid, misguided attraction to Riku, or Anya’s constant squabbles with him? Was it Arthur, coming out because he was worried about me?
I cannot say. But I can say when I first started writing letters to you that I had no intention of sending. That was last May. It was the last day of April, when you came to comfort me, after Arthur tried to kill himself. Isn’t it funny… I never did find out why. I just never thought to press it. But that night will be forever etched in my memory.
You offered to do a dance for me, do you remember? In an effort to get me to smile. It may have been the single sweetest thing you ever said to me. I treasure that memory… the memory of that first kiss, which you took against your better judgment. I can’t tell you how glad I am… and how sorry. But I store these memories, safe, in my heart… just as the arrow, the dirk, and my collection of silver-tipped ebony feathers are safely locked away.
I do not know how it is with you. I do not expect you to have forgiven me, though your capacity for forgiveness has yet to cease amazing me. What pains me most is that I can’t even rejoice in the fact you are alive. What does it matter if you are alive, when I have caused you a fate worse than death? How can any memories you guard of me remain sweet when they are curdled by the end to which we were all three drawn? I would have let her kill you, rather than see you suffer such pain. And I have to wonder… how much can I have truly loved you, if I’d rather you dead than with soured memories of me. I hate myself for feeling it.
If I could go back now, and change it so we never met… so I never loved you… I do not know if I am selfless enough to wish such a thing. I still miss silly little things about you: how you’d sit up with me until I fell asleep, murmuring in Elvish. The way you looked at me, as if I were a miracle of some sort. The way your fingers felt on my shoulder.
Nothing went right with us, Kitathas, and I wish I knew why. Just as always, I can’t fully understand what you think, what you feel. I won’t pretend I do. But I wish I had you back, lying beside me in bed for just one night, when none of this had happened. I could twirl my fingers in your hair and lean against your chest. I’d even resist the temptation to whisper that I loved you, because I knew it hurt you, when I said so. I didn’t need to say it anyway. You knew.
I don’t know that I’ll ever stop loving you, Kitathas, or ever stop regretting what happened. I do not know if and when I will ever see you again, or how we will meet each other if we do. But I hope, somewhere in your long memory, you will think of me not as the girl responsible for killing your love, but as a girl who loved you as much as her silly little heart could.
It is a pity, in some ways, that you will never see this letter. It is full of so much I don’t know if I would ever have the courage to say. But even as I burn it… the ashes remain. The root of the thing is not lost. I learned that from you, and it is one of the many, many things I will not forget.
Ever yours,
Amy
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-12 04:26 pm (UTC)I would never wish you to think our time was anything I could look back upon with sorrow or anger. You were the sunlight dancing along a road that had been very dark for many long years for me. I shall never forget the light that you once brought into my heart, even if that light is to be cast in darkness. It is nothing to wish away, or regret. Do not punish yourself for my choices and the choices of those whom I walk beside.
I can never see you for anything than what you are, a'maelamin. Ashes carry far, when the wind blows strong enough. And the heart, your heart, is true. It is your truth, and it, you, are beautiful. Always. That shall not be lost. And it shall not be forgotten.
And in this letter that I cannot write, to the letter that I have not seen, I may speak the words I have never said, nor can never say, that you can and shall never hear, though I do mean them, within my own way.
Amin mela lle, Amy. Melamin. Tenna' ento lye omenta... Namaarie.